New York is a city like no other, full of energy, chaos, and characters straight out of a sitcom.
Whether you’re a true New Yorker, an aspiring tourist, or just someone who enjoys a good laugh, you’re in the right place.
We’ve rounded up the funniest New York jokes, packed with subway struggles, taxi tantrums, and all the pizza-fueled madness in between. So grab a coffee (yes, even if it’s from a bodega) and get ready to laugh!
Subway Struggles – Because Delays Are Just a New York Love Language
- If you can survive the subway during rush hour, you’re legally qualified to lead a country.
- The MTA should come with a disclaimer: “Estimated arrival time is just a suggestion.”
- Nothing says “good morning” like being sandwiched between a guy eating tuna and a mariachi band.
- Subway delays are just New York’s way of reminding you who’s really in charge.
- They say New Yorkers walk fast, but have you ever tried catching a train that just closed its doors?
- The only thing more New York than pizza is complaining about the subway.
- Ever been so late that you start blaming your ancestors? “If great-grandpa had just moved to Jersey…”
- The train’s packed, but somehow, there’s always room for one more pole dancer.
- Tourists wait for the next train. New Yorkers squeeze in like it’s a competitive sport.
- The best seats on the subway? The ones you don’t sit on.
- Train delayed? Time to contemplate your life choices next to a guy playing the spoons.
- “Next stop, Times Square” – cue 50 tourists realizing they have no idea where they’re going.
- If you made it through a whole subway ride without eye contact, congratulations, you’re a pro.
- The MTA: where the only predictable thing is unpredictability.
- The subway map is like a dating profile – full of lies and false hope.
Taxi & Uber Rides – A Thrill Ride You Didn’t Sign Up For
- Taking a cab in New York is like starring in your own action movie – with no seatbelt.
- Uber prices surge faster than my anxiety in Midtown traffic.
- “Are we almost there?” is New York taxi code for “How much longer must I fear for my life?”
- GPS? Who needs that when your cab driver just follows ‘the vibe’?
- The fastest thing in New York? A cab driver switching lanes.
- New Yorkers don’t say “hello” – they say, “Is this Uber for me?”
- The only time you believe in miracles is when you actually find a cab in the rain.
- Taking an Uber in NYC is like playing the lottery, but the jackpot is just getting there alive.
- If your Uber driver isn’t FaceTiming while driving 60 mph, are you even in New York?
- You know you’re a real New Yorker when you give directions better than your driver.
- “You’re five minutes away” is Uber’s way of saying “It’s time to question your patience.”
- Why use turn signals when you have New York instincts?
- Taxi drivers don’t get lost. They just take the scenic route.
- The only time you see a cab stop for a red light is when there’s a police car nearby.
- Ever taken a cab ride so wild, you start making deals with the universe?
Food Fiascos – Because Calories Don’t Count in NYC
- If you don’t fold your pizza, are you even eating it right?
- The best slice in New York is always “the one around the corner.”
- “You should try this restaurant” – said every New Yorker about 300 different places.
- The real New York sport? Eating a bagel in under two minutes before work.
- NYC pizza is a personality trait, and I’m fine with that.
- “Do you have oat milk?” – every New Yorker before deciding on a coffee shop.
- The first law of New York: “If your bodega guy knows your order, you live here now.”
- $1 pizza slices are proof that miracles exist.
- The only thing hotter than a fresh NYC bagel? The attitude of the person serving it.
- If you haven’t had a late-night food cart meal, have you really lived?
- You move to New York with a diet plan. New York moves in with a pizza plan.
- The five food groups of NYC: Pizza, Bagels, Coffee, Street Meat, and Regret.
- Every brunch in New York requires a two-hour wait and an existential crisis.
- Eating healthy in NYC is easy – just close your eyes when you walk past a pizza shop.
- The real reason we walk everywhere? To justify the cheesecake.
The Tourist Experience – Welcome to the Jungle
- Times Square: where dreams go to die and Elmo charges for photos.
- Walking behind tourists in New York is a patience test from the universe.
- “I love NYC” – said no local standing in line behind 50 tourists.
- “Which way is the Statue of Liberty?” – asked every tourist who’s clearly never seen a map.
- If you see someone looking up, they’re either a tourist or questioning their life choices.
- Tourists think NYC is expensive. Locals think tourists don’t know how to avoid the scams.
- The biggest tourist trap? Buying water in Times Square.
- You haven’t seen real frustration until you’ve watched a tourist try to fold a subway map.
- NYC survival tip: if a guy in Times Square offers you “free” tickets, run.
- The only thing scarier than NYC rats? Tourists who stop in the middle of the sidewalk.
- “We should see the Empire State Building!” – says every tourist who then realizes how long that line is.
- Times Square is proof that too many lights don’t always make things better.
- If you’re in New York and someone’s smiling at you… they’re probably lost.
- If you want to blend in as a tourist, just stand in the middle of the street looking confused.
- The biggest NYC tourist mistake? Thinking you can walk everywhere in one day.
Rent & Real Estate – The Real New York Horror Story
- Rent in NYC isn’t expensive – it’s just aggressively discouraging.
- If you have in-unit laundry, you either made it or sold your soul.
- Finding an affordable apartment in New York is harder than finding love.
- “Spacious” in a listing means you can open your fridge without hitting your bed.
- Your rent costs more than your out-of-town friend’s mortgage, but sure, NYC is worth it.
- Roommate applications in NYC are more intense than job interviews.
- A good deal in NYC is anything with a window.
- If your shower isn’t in your kitchen, you’re living in luxury.
- No one moves to NYC for space. We move for the pain.
- The only real estate market crazier than NYC is Monopoly.
- Looking for an apartment in NYC? Start with a prayer.
- Rent control is just a myth we tell ourselves at night.
- Finding a decent apartment in NYC is proof that miracles exist.
- A “converted bedroom” is just a fancy term for a closet.
- If you live alone in NYC, you’re either a millionaire or hiding something.
Conclusion:
Did these jokes make you laugh, cringe, or nod in agreement? Share them with your fellow New Yorkers (or that one friend who just doesn’t get it). Got your own favorite NYC joke? Drop it in the comments—just make sure it’s funnier than an MTA announcement about “train traffic ahead.”
